Wednesday, December 21, 2005

A filthy Iran

(A Precision Guided Attempt-At-Humor Assignment)

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is still holding #1 on the leaderboard of my Stupidest Man Alive list. First there was the desire to wipe Israel off the map. Then the Holocaust was nothing more than a myth. It's like a gazelle poking a lion with a stick just to annoy it. So as the world sits back in astonishment at the total lack of intelligence President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (how do you pronounce that?)has shown, we have to ask: What will he say next?

As it turns out, he wasn't quite sure himself. He actually called in some help - FrankJ of IMAO.

Thankfully, my phone taps over at IMAO HQ hadn't been removed yet. No. I won't tell you why I tapped IMAO HQ. Nevertheless, I got this conversation on tape! Yay!
FrankJ: Hello?
Pres Ahmadinejad: Hello, Infidel FrankJ of the Great Satan that is IMAO.
FJ: Mahmoud, you need to quit calling me. Do you know what time it is here?
MA: Silence, you American pig. I am in need of your assistance.
FJ: Look, I told you I wasn't going to sell you that nuke. I'm saving that for a special occasion.
MA: I don't want your nuke, infidel. I need advice.
FJ: Advice on what?
MA: You torment your enemy, the Evil Glenn Reynolds of the Great Satan Instapundit. I need to do this to the Evil Ariel Sharon of the Great Satan Israel.
FJ: But we like Israel.
MA: You only like Israel because the pig Laurence Simon tells you to. Zionist Conspirator pigs! All of the Jews!
FJ: Lay off the Jews, dude.
MA: They killed Jesus.
SarahK: You will help him now, Frank.
FJ: Go back to bed, sweety. Okay, Mahmoud. All you have to do is find something newsworthy and exploit it.
MA: Like what?
FJ: Like the recent stroke. Come up with something totally ridiculous that could have caused it.
MA: Hmm...like it was caused by...hmmm...
FJ: You can do it!
MA: Silence, infidel! I am thinking...hmmm...ummm... Bacon!
FJ: Bacon?
MA: He's Jewish. He's not allowed to eat bacon.
FJ: Not bad. Ridiculous cause and insult his faith. Well done.
MA: Of course it is! That is why I am exalted by Allah and am the president of Iran who shall wipe all infidels off the map.
FJ: You're still not getting my nuke.
MA: Please?!!
FJ: *click*
So there it is, dear reader. Any time now, the Iranian President should be reporting to every news agency he can get to listen that Ariel Sharon's stroke was caused by the consumption of bacon. I think he plans on following up with the order to banish every pig in Iran to Israel. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Another Internal Stupid Error

It had to have been Monday.

Christmas shoppers clogged the streets on the way home from work last night. My normal route requires crossing a particularly busy intersection and going past the New Zealand equivalent of Wal-Mart (known as the Warehouse). I was one block away from where I worked, crossed the road where I thought it was clear, and saw Mr. Van at the very last second...

It was a comedy of errors. Neither he nor I saw each other coming. He had nowhere to swerve to due to some woman crossing over the stop-line coming the opposite direction to me. My brakes weren't good enough to stop in time. He was clipping along at a great rate of knots anyway. It was a recipe for disaster.

It was my fault. Technically, he had the right-of-way. But I had complained about this intersection for months to the city council, in editorials, and I'm not the only person who hates that intersection. Once every couple of weeks there's a smash-up there. Sadly, it was my turn.

Now my work car sits in our garage here at work (like I said, it was only one block away so I was able to limp her back). The nose has been shifted over about 3 inches. More than likely, she'll be written off. And I'm reduced to taking the bus.

So this morning as I waited at the bus-stop, it starts to rain...

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Stupidity in Government - SHOCK!

SeanS posted recently about how the US refuses to enter into the Kyoto Protocol. Which is good. Because it is stupid.

I remember early after my entry into New Zealand, my wife and I were taking a trip from Christchurch to Invercargill, which is about a 7-hour drive. She and I learned much about each other on those trips since the car was loud, the radio wasn't, so all we could do was talk. We discussed all sorts, religion, education, politics, the lot.

This one conversation, she was being critical of the US because they refused to sign on to the Kyoto Protocol and New Zealand jumped in feet first. Eager to maintain the "clean-and-green" image, the Prime LiberaMinister wanted New Zealand to be on the top of signatures for the Protocol. And since America doesn't care about the environment, that is why they refused to sign.

I argued that responsible businesses would take it upon themselves to limit greenhouse gas emissions and that the EPA was established to punish those who were irresponsible. I'm an environmentally friendly guy. I recycle.

Anyway - I told my wife that one of the largest contributors to greenhouse gasses were cows. Cow farts contain methane. Methane is a greenhouse gas. New Zealand has a lot of cows. New Zealand cows cause more greenhouse gasses than New Zealand businesses. She laughed at me. Stupid American.

"What can New Zealand do about it? Nothing. It's a country reliant on agri-buisness for its economy," I stated. "The only thing Kyoto can do is cause tax increases and for New Zealand accomplish next to nothing."

"What are they going to do?" she asked. "Tax cow farts?"

"That's about the only thing they can do," I said. Granted, it was a ludicrous prospect. A fart tax? C'mon. Even under Kyoto that was a stretch.

Until a couple of years later... Yes. The New Zealand Parliment considered introducing the Fart Tax. Needless to say, it caused a bit of a stink (pun intented). The word "fart" was turned into an acronym: Fight Against Rediculous Taxes. Fortunately it was quashed.

Kyoto has done wonders for New Zealand. Initially it was thought the country could make money on the deal. With all the trees this country has, the government was certain there would be subsidies. In the end, they overestimated the forested areas and we ended up paying almost $310 million.

And this is why Kyoto is stupid. Well done America for not buying into it.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

InstaWeddingCrasherPundit

(A dirty, nasty lie.)

Our exalted leader (FrankJ of IMAO), and the woman I shall never mention Michelle Malkin to again (SarahK of Mountaineer Musings) are soon to be wed! And I'm still miffed about not getting an invitation. I mean, sure I'm in New Zealand and there's no chance in Hades I'd be able to make it, but still...

Sorry. I digress.

My internet-infesting nanites have hacked themselves into the Reynolds computer, copied his Outlook calendar and e-mailed it to my Gmail account. I programmed them myself!

It would seem that Glenn was also a bit miffed about not getting an invitation to the wedding, but since he's closer than I am, he plans on doing something about it. According to his schedule, Glenn will be attending. But why?

My nanites cross-referenced his calendar with other documents found on his PC and just as he is on his website, he is going to be busy as all-get-out.

He will be tending bar, serving his own special brand of blended drinks. Pina Colada? Nope. Margarita? Nah-uh. Daquiri? You wish.

He will be that dude who hangs out in the mens room with the cologne. Essence of Hobo, anyone?

He will be leading the band, covering other people's songs and busting out with his original hit: Indeed, Heh!

He will be driving the limo for no other reason than to try and impersonate the limo driver in No Way Out. Put that wall thingy up early, Frank.

He will be picketing outside on behalf of the Ninja Monkey Revolution just to annoy Frank.

He will be picketing outside on behalf of the Michelle Malkin Fanclub just to annoy Sarah.

All the while, the Instapundit website will still be running at full capacity as usual. I have no idea how.
-----
Congrats on taking the plunge, you two! May you have an eternity of happiness.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Public Service Announcement #003 (WoW Edition)

Darkmoon Faire is now open in Goldshire.

Just thought you should know.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Stupid Case Evaluation #010

Dear reader, it has been a week full of stupid! I've been wanting a chance to blog the good bits, but every time the phone rang this week I've had some more stupid to contend with.

Yesterday, one of my co-workers took the call from the week's dumbest caller, though. I wish I could have taken this call. Probably would have caused the man's brain to implode.

-----
Quick backstory: My voice is recorded on the automated message people hear when they ring in.

Caller: "Why do you have an American answering your phones?"
Co-worker: "He works for us."
Caller: "Are my calls going to America?"
Co-worker: "No sir. We're in Invercargill."
Caller: "So why does an American answer the phone if you're in Invercargill?"
Co-worker: "He *works* for us."
Caller: "In America?"
-----

Apparently Yanks aren't allowed to live in New Zealand, much less work there. You have been warned.